Becoming a mom is one of the biggest life transitions in a person’s life. It’s beautiful, it’s messy, it’s exhausting, and filled with moments that make your heart feel so full from love (or frustration—sometimes both at once). But amidst the diapers, the sleepless nights, and the endless need to keep a tiny human alive, many mothers find themselves wondering: Who am I anymore? Is this my life forever now?
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. The loss of identity after becoming a mother is real, and it can feel very unsettling. The good news? You CAN find yourself again. It won’t look exactly the same as before, but that doesn’t mean you’re gone.
Let’s talk about why this happens and, most importantly, how you can reconnect with you.
Why Does Motherhood Feel Like an Identity Crisis?
Motherhood changes everything!—your schedule, your priorities, your body, your relationships. Even your brain is different (hello, mom brain!). Here are a few reasons why many moms feel like they’ve lost themselves:
Your old routines disappear – The things that once brought you joy, like spontaneous outings, long showers, or quiet mornings, now seem like distant memories.
Your focus shifts entirely to your baby – You’re suddenly responsible for a tiny human’s survival, and that can make everything else feel secondary.
Society tells us motherhood should be ‘enough’ – There’s this unspoken (and spoken) message that being a mom should fulfill you completely. So when you crave more, guilt sneaks in.
Your body and mind feel unfamiliar – Whether it’s postpartum changes, sleep deprivation, or the emotional rollercoaster, you may feel like you’re existing in a body and mind that don’t quite feel like yours.
Your career, hobbies, or social life take a backseat – Things that once defined you might feel out of reach or less important now.
While these changes are normal, they can leave you feeling lost. But here’s the truth: You are still you. Let’s talk about how to reconnect with that person.
How to Reclaim Your Sense of Self After Motherhood
1. Give Yourself Permission to Miss the ‘Old You’
It’s okay to grieve your pre-mom self. Missing the freedom, the spontaneity, or even the energy you once had doesn’t mean you don’t love your child. Acknowledge those feelings without guilt attached.
Try this: Write a letter to your pre-motherhood self. Reflect on what you loved about her, what you miss, and what parts of her you’d like to bring forward into your life now.
2. Find Small Ways to Prioritize Yourself
You don’t need a full spa day or a solo vacation (though if you can swing it, go for it!). Sometimes, it’s the little things that help you feel like yourself again.
Play your favorite music while making breakfast.
Wear something that makes you feel good (even if it’s just real pants instead of leggings for a day).
Make your coffee exactly the way you like it before tending to everyone else’s needs.
Steal even just 10 minutes for a hobby you used to love—reading, journaling, doodling, whatever sparks joy.
3. Reconnect with Your Interests—Even in Small Doses
You may not have time to pick up old hobbies at the level you used to, but that doesn’t mean they have to disappear entirely.
Love writing? Jot down thoughts in a notes app or get a pretty new journal to write in.
Miss working out? Try a 10-minute movement session instead of an hour-long gym session.
Enjoy deep conversations? Schedule a quick coffee chat with a friend, even if it’s virtual.
Small steps count. Start where you are.
4. Get Comfortable Asking for Help
You don’t have to do everything alone. Repeat that: You don’t have to do everything alone.
Ask your partner, family, or a friend to take over baby duty for an hour so you can do something for yourself. (It’s okay to do, even if it is hard at first)
Consider childcare options, even if just for short breaks. (getting or needing a break doesn’t make you a bad mom)
If you’re struggling with postpartum emotions, therapy (even short-term) can be a game-changer.
5. Find Your People
Motherhood can feel isolating, but you’re not meant to do it alone. Connecting with others who get it can be incredibly helpful.
Join a local or online moms’ group.
Reach out to a friend and be honest about how you’re feeling.
If traditional mom groups aren’t your vibe, look for communities focused on your interests (book clubs, fitness groups, creative circles).
6. Redefine What Identity Means to You Now
You won’t be the exact same person you were before, and that’s okay. Instead of chasing an old version of yourself, think about who you want to be now.
What values matter most to you?
What kind of role model do you want to be for your child?
What lights you up in this season of life?
Your identity isn’t lost—it’s evolving. And you get to shape what that looks like.
7. Release the ‘Perfect Mom’ Pressure
Social media and society love to paint a picture of the “ideal mother”—one who is patient, present, put-together, and somehow thriving on three hours of sleep. But real moms? We’re messy, we’re figuring it out, and we all have moments where we hide in the bathroom just to get a second alone. (yep, been there!)
Give yourself permission to be human. Perfection isn’t the goal. Being you—messy, evolving, imperfect, and wonderful—is more than enough.
You’re Still Here, Mama
Motherhood changes you, but it doesn’t erase you. If you’ve been feeling lost, know that you’re not alone, and more importantly, you’re not gone. You’re still here, just growing into a new version of yourself.
So, take a deep breath, give yourself grace, and start finding the little ways to reconnect with you. Because you, mama, are just as important as the little one you’re raising. 💛
with care,
Alison
About the author
Alison Hartman, LMFT is a licensed therapist in Colorado and Texas. Offering therapy to women and teen girls helping them find relief, hope, and balance in their lives. She has been working with moms, adolescents, and families for the past 12 years helping them to build healthy, resilient families. She specializes in pregnancy and postpartum counseling. Reach out today to learn more.
Alison provides provide online therapy with the ability to meet you anywhere. No need to find childcare or the extra time needed to get to and from an office.
Serving moms in Conroe, Spring, the Woodlands, Willis, Huntsville, Magnolia, and all throughout Texas and Colorado.