Loss of Self and Expectations
Bringing home baby is an exciting joyful time and after having my two girls filled with memories I will cherish forever.
I'm here to talk with you today about what people don't really talk about after having a baby. Things considered even taboo…
Loss of Self
There are many losses that we experience after having a baby. We are going through a major life transition and with this comes adapting and growing. Being aware of potential conflicting feelings will help you recognize what is normal and when is it time to reach out for help.
This is not an exhaustive list
Women experience these in different ways
Predictability Confidence
Calmness Self-esteem
Spontaneity Freedom
Friends Your previous body
Career Recreation time
Sleep Privacy
Finances Intimacy
Alone time Sexuality
Your former self Couple time
Self-identity Body image
Adult conversation
Postpartum comes with so many feelings to navigate, it can feel overwhelming and distressing at times.
Expectations
Along with navigating this life transition through motherhood. Sometimes we can have expectations for how we “think” things should go or how they should be.
These include…
“Storybook birth and motherhood experience”. Myth of the “Perfect Mother”
I know for me I dreamed of being a mom since I was a young child and loved playing house and with my dolls. But sometimes we can build up what this perfect motherhood experience is going to be like and in real life this is not the case. Our dreams of motherhood don't account for sleepless nights, overflowing diapers, crying babies, lots of feedings, fatigue, and did I mention lots and lots of diapers. Being a perfect mother does not exist. We do our best and what is best for our family.
Culturally have been taught as a mom-
“We should be able to do it all, never letting anyone see us complain or ask for help”
Social pressures, comparing ourselves to others, and shaming contests can lead us to feeling like a failure and that we aren't good enough. Social media is an area where it's good to take a break from. Remembering most of the time people are showing us their best selves and happiest moments, they aren't showing you their struggles and all the “behind the scenes”. Studies show that apps like Facebook can cause depression.
Fear of judgment
This fear can be debilitating and increase the shame we may feel. This fear that people are going to find us out that we aren't a “good mom”. There are so many pressures we can feel from family, friends, and society that the thought of sharing a different experience is too much.
It's important to share our stories, value ourselves, and remember our strengths. Recognizing small positives and that this time will pass.
Most women experience ambivalence and uncertainty when it comes to motherhood. It's normal to fluctuate between sadness, happiness, and anxiety. And some of us may feel very strong emotions that we may not have expected.
If you feel like everything you are trying is not helping you feel better. Reach out for professional support to learn ways to balance life with new baby and bring joy back into your life.
with care,
alison
Reference: Karen Kleiman(2017). The Art of Holding: An Essential Intervention for Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. New York: Routledge.